This is a (ridiculous) collaborative post, co-written by myself and Laura Kate Dale (@LaurakBuzz)

Capitalism is over. Employment is down, consumers are depressed, and the market is dying. With this in mind, our team have spent the past few months hard at work on this design document for the sequel to Capitalism, Capitalism 2.

The product of extensive market testing on the key 18-35 male demographic, as well as numerous focus groups and surveys, we have finally discovered a way to follow up the original Capitalism, which we’re confident will be met with universal acclaim.

Below you’ll find a list of the stunning and revolutionary enhancements from our top think tank. Together these rules ensure that Capitalism 2 will make the greatest ideological system known to mankind, even better.

 

Universal Basic Income

Our Universal Basic Income™ system is one of our key proposals for Capitalism 2, and one of the aspects we know will benefit key capitalist ideals. By giving every individual in the country an income to survive on, regardless of their employment status, any additional money they earn through climbing the corporate ladder of success is disposable income by default.

Why is this the greatest idea in the world? Because disposable income availability stimulates the economy! Citizens will be free to spend what they earn entirely on capitalist retail pursuits. This basic income that everyone is entitled to allows consumers to choose how to spend any additional income wherever they like, increasing the competitive nature of the market.

 

Accessible Healthcare

Capitalism 2 comes loaded with a fully funded healthcare system. Working as a team, everybody contributes an affordable investment of their income towards the healthcare system, ensuring it is the best around. In return, fatalities will dramatically reduce as the healthcare system adapts to the needs of a diverse, enthusiastic consumer base. This helps to maintain a large healthy selection of demographics, as people live longer lives regardless of social status, gender and life choices!

People living longer and healthier lives are better able to continue contributing to the capitalist wealth machine for longer. This means that universal healthcare, free at the point of access, is truly indicative of the future of Capitalism.

 

Homelessness

Traditionally, homeless people cause tricky issues for a capitalist system. As they exist outside of dependable consumer demographics, but also drain the profits of productive members of society through donations, they’re very difficult to exploit or market to. In Capitalism 2, homelessness ceases to be an issue, as those who become unemployed continue to receive financial support. This way, these would-be-homeless people maintain the ability to contribute to a healthy market and do not lose their opportunity to become future investors in a range of dynamic businesses.

Traditional consumers are therefore also not taking money out of circulation by giving it to the homeless, unlocking extra investment opportunities for them. While those who were previously homeless will be directly provided housing, as well as the Universal Basic Income™, allowing them to be responsible capitalist consumers. The end result? Capitalism flourishes!

 

How did we come up with the name ‘Capitalism 2’? Here you can see some of the other highly original and innovative titles that our concept department produced.

 

Free education

Are you tired of encountering an unskilled, lethargic and depressed workforce? With Capitalism 2, all employees will have had the benefit of opting into a free education, right up to postgraduate level! This means your employees will be extra productive, without the worry of student debt or the pressure to find time to pursue career enhancing degrees. Businesses will thrive with a workforce of productive, happy drones.

But that’s not all. Better educated workers means more are available for specialised work. If jobs in their specialised field don’t typically pay well, their Universal Basic Income™ will pick up the slack. This makes sure that a lack of financial incentive is never a deterrent to learning new, valuable, profit-enhancing skills.

 

Taxation

Now, I know what you’re thinking as a future-investor in Capitalism 2, why are we talking about taxation? Well, we believe proper taxation of the rich is perhaps the most capitalist ideal there is. Why? Let us tell you!

Proportionally taxing the rich not only funds these previously mentioned Capitalism 2 concepts, but encourages the rich to continue engaging with capitalist ideals in a much more practical and efficient manner.

Consider this, if the entire concept of Capitalism is that anyone can work hard to generate wealth, and we tax people more heavily as their wealth grows, they’ll have to continue working hard to maintain their status! Rather than laying back and relaxing, separating themselves from the capitalist workforce, they’ll be forced to keep reaching for that unobtainable goal of becoming mega-rich.

By ensuring new tax difficulty levels are unlocked with higher wages, an endless stream of wealth be generated to fund the rest of Capitalism 2.

 

Retirement

To end our project proposal document, we felt it appropriate to conclude with our plan for end of life care under Capitalism 2. We propose that the Universal Basic Income™, which includes money specifically intended as disposable income, continues as a replacement for the traditional “pension” plans of old.

As pensions are often unpredictable and disappointingly meagre, this throws the elderly demographic into flux, resulting in shaky and unreliable data. But with Capitalism 2’s model, the elderly have guaranteed income, regardless of earlier life choices or health difficulties, meaning they maintain their status as a viable, targetable group for a range of products.

Increasing the range of markets with disposable income, can only benefit the free market further, strengthening the solid capitalist ideals of Capitalism 2!

With all these amazing benefits outlined above, we have no doubt that you’ll be eager to upgrade your nation to Capitalism 2 ASAP. On request, we will happily provide further information packs so that your country can thrive under socialism’s Capitalism 2’s benevolent and definitely 100% capitalist ideals very soon…

 

(This article is what happens when two broke trans women go shopping, lament how screwed over they’ve been by profit-driven capitalism, and spend an afternoon beating a throwaway joke into the ground…)

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